Urban Legend of the Month The Arm An unpopular young med. student had been particularly annoying one day and some of her classmates decided to play a trick on her. They snuck into her room after she'd gone to bed and placed an amputated arm into bed with her. The next morning they anxiously awaited her reaction but got none. Eventually they went up to check on her and found her sitting on the bed, moaning and gurgling as she gnawed on the arm.   Darwin Award of the Month Weight Lift (27 July 2007, Guadalajara, Mexico) A sure winner is an elevator accident in the hotel I work for. I found the media reference, and could not resist the temptation of sharing this story with you.   Apparently 24-year-old Jessica was not familiar with the use of the telephone or the use of the stairs. She was working out in the “Provincia Gym” and realized she needed something from the floor below. Instead of picking up the phone, using the intercom, or just walking downstairs, she decided that the open shaft of the industrial lift was the communications device for her.   So Jessica stuck her head into the empty shaft to shout to the people downstairs, but somehow missed noticing the elevator was going UP. Since an elevator cage and a skull are both solid objects, one had to give. Well, let's leave it at saying that the elevator won.   If the elevator was going down, one could say that she was in no position to observe the approaching lift, since she was yelling at people below her. But, leaving aside the stupidity of sticking your head into an elevator shaft, if she was looking down, how could she miss the mass of metal headed her way?   I’m sure she will be missed by her family, but not by the gene pool.   Stella Award of the Month Christopher Roller of Burnsville, Minn. Roller is mystified by professional magicians, so he sued David Blaine and David Copperfield to demand they reveal their secrets to him -- or else pay him 10 percent of their lifelong earnings, which he figures amounts to $50 million for Copperfield and $2 million for Blaine. The basis for his suit: Roller claims that the magicians defy the laws of physics, and thus must be using "godly powers" -- and since Roller is god (according to him), they're "somehow" stealing that power from him.   Weird Laws of the Month Texas The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home. A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. In El Paso, churches, hotels, halls of assembly, stores, markets, banking rooms, railroad depots, and saloons are required to provide spittoons "of a kind and number to efficiently contain expectorations into them." It is illegal to milk another person's cow. In Houston, it is illegal to sell Limburger cheese on Sunday. In LeFors, it is illegal to take more than three swallows of beer while standing. In San Antonio, it is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands. In Mesquite, it is illegal for children to have unusual haircuts. In Kingsville, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.

	Word of the Month Sycophant (SIK-uh-fuhnt), noun: A person who seeks favor by flattering people of wealth or influence; a parasite; a toady.   Urban Word of the Month Homoblivious - Not having the ability to recognize homosexuals as homosexuals; a lack of gaydar.   Pirate Phrase of the Month Tricorn Hat - A hat with three corners.   Porn Title of the Month Mr. Hollund's Phallus   Random Fact of the Month On average, humans have 9,000 taste buds in their mouths, tongues, and throats.   Chuck Norris Fact of the Month Chuck Norris once had sex with the Virgin Mary, and Jesus was born.   Quote of the Month Paradise is exactly like where you are right now... only much, much better. - Laurie Anderson   Jack Handy's Deep Thought of the Month The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.   Bad Family Feud Answer of the Month Question: A type of foreign money Answer: Monopoly   Joke of the Month Computer Diagnosis One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.   ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."   Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:   "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."